So after our horrible week we had last week a new week has started and the experience is working out to be better that we could have hoped. But let me back up just a bit.
Last Thursday was the worst day that I have ever had. Like I said before I went through the day in a haze. It just slowly passed by. Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday were a lot better. I was feeling good. I could feel the thoughts and prayers of all of our friends and family. I knew that the Lord was definitely helping me through this really, really hard time. But also in the back of my mind I had this nagging feeling that wouldn't leave me alone. In fact is was literally keeping me awake at night. That being said, let me back up a little bit more.
Throughout 90% of this pregnancy (only because the first few weeks before I found out I was pregnant would be the other 10%) I have had this really strange feeling in the back of my mind that I was having twins. I joked about it a couple of times to some people, but it was a feeling that never really went away. I was actually really excited/nervous about the idea. I would love to have twins but I didn't know how my heart would handle it. Throughout the miscarriage and the day of, I really didn't even think about it. I was in such a sad and lonely place that i guess the thought never crossed my mind. But then Friday came. Which brings me back to where I was before.
This thought about being pregnant with twins would not leave me alone. I was seriously thinking that I was crazy. I had had TWO ultrasounds and neither of them showed 2 babies. I even asked the tech at the one last week to make sure that there weren't 2 babies. She said that she could only see one. I couldn't be pregnant with 2.....right? I fought with myself for those 4 days. One thing that added to the situation was that I was still feeling pregnant. Not just pregnancy symptoms but literally FEELING pregnant. It was like I knew that I was still pregnant. Again I was fighting with myself. I knew that I had just had a miscarriage and maybe I was playing mind games with myself and fighting to hang on to something that was not there. I was scared to tell Eric because I didn't know how he would react to what I was thinking.
Monday night I was awake all night long. I was feeling on the verge of going crazy. I prayed to my Heavenly Father knowing that he knew me and my situation and asking for his help in helping me get over this problem that I was having. During my prayer I just kept thinking that I need to just go in and tell the Dr. how I was feeling and ask if I could get another ultrasound. The thought scared me to death. I could just see the look on my Dr.'s face and knew that he would think that I was seriously crazy. Later I got online and Googled a bunch of different information on twins and miscarriage. I found out that there were a lot of other people that had gone through the same experience. Some ending in finding out that they really were pregnant with twins and miscarried one and most ending with finding out that they were definitely not pregnant. I felt even more confused. But I decided that after I picked Kelsey and her friend up at school the next day I would go to the Dr. I felt like, at least, if I got an ultrasound that showed nothing then my mind would quit fighting with me.
Tuesday I went into the Dr.'s office and told the Medical Assistant that I wanted an ultrasound. I felt like such a fool!! She was very nice and understanding but I still felt so dumb. She told me that she would talk to the Dr. and see if he would sign for an ultrasound. She came back and said "He said if it would make you feel better than he would sign for one". Great!! At 12:30 I headed to my appointment. The entire way there I kept telling myself to expect nothing, to just expect the tech to say 'Nope, nothing there, it looks like everything passed with the baby'. Walking in my stomach was seriously in my throat. She looked at me and said something about just recently doing an U/S (ultrasound) on me. I told her that I had miscarried but was still feeling pregnant so I just wanted to check. She looked at me a little leery but took me into the U/S room. As soon as she put the little thingy (can't think what it would be called, a wand maybe?) on my stomach this is what I saw
my heart was jumping out of my chest and I started to cry. I think I scared the poor tech because immediately she started shaking. "Oh my gosh!!" I said "Is it ok?" But we didn't need to even check for a heartbeat because the baby started moving around like crazy and at one point even bounced almost to the top of the sack. I was a blubbering mess! I was crying so hard that the tech couldn't get a good picture and she told me that she would give me a minute while she went and got the last U/S results that she did.
I couldn't believe it. Was it even possible? She came back in and finished the U/S. The heart rate was 163 and everything looked really good then she gave me my pictures and told me that I needed to call my Dr. As soon as I left the hospital I was on the phone with my Dr.'s office. I told the MA (the one that I had talked to earlier that day) that I was still pregnant. She couldn't believe it and told me that she would talk to my Dr. and he would give me a call right back. I called Eric as soon as I hung up with her and through tears told him. I was in such a state of shock that I don't even really remember what I said other than I was still pregnant. He was in a meeting with a contractor and so he said that he would call me back as soon as he could. I immediately called my mom and told her and we both cried.
My Dr. called when I was halfway home. He couldn't believe it either. In fact he told me that he didn't believe that I had miscarried. It must have just been a clot that passed or something. I told him that I disagreed and knew that I had miscarried. He then asked if I still had the fetus that I passed. I told him that we had buried it in our yard. He asked me to bring it in ASAP. As hard as it was to do, I ran home and dug up the little container and took it straight to the office. My heart was breaking to think that I may not get that little guy back. But it was what I had to do. When I dropped it off my Dr. told me that because it had been 6 days, any results may come back inconclusive but they needed to see if they could find out anything about why I miscarried. He told me that what had happened was so rare that he never expected it. Then he tried to explain what he could to me but let me know that he was going to have to talk to a specialist and call me back.
Apparently, I had been pregnant with twins and only one had shown up on both U/S.
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| 7 weeks ( can only see one) |
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| 10 weeks (day that I miscarried) (possibly something in the background??) |
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| This is the one of the still living twin. Can you believe the difference between this one and the one last week? They don't even look like the same baby. |
We have witnessed a miracle in our home and I know that we are truly blessed. But as excited as I am that we are having this baby it is such a bitter/sweet feeling. I am still so very sad that we lost the other one. It breaks my heart that we already have an angel in heaven. I know that this is what Heavenly Fathers plan is and I know it is for the best and I have to trust in that plan. I know that our twins will be together again in heaven someday. We can just only hope that it is a lifetime away and not too soon.
I will update more of what I find out from the Dr., on the tests that they are doing on the one that died, as soon as i find anything out. Check back for more updates and hopefully this roller coaster ride that we have been on will calm down a little bit and we can all start to breath again around here.
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