Halloween & Dr. Update

Well, as expected my Dr. called back with the results from the lab on our miscarriage.  He says that everything came back inconclusive.  Which means that they can not determine whether or not it was a fetus or a blood clot.  But, I don't need to have a professional opinion.  I already know that it was a baby.  And it makes no difference to me to to hear it from my Dr.  But they did confirm that I still have a bladder infection so I have to get on antibiotics.  I hate taking any type of medication while I'm pregnant but I guess I have to do what I have to do.  My Dr. says that antibiotics are very safe to take and that it will have no effect on my pregnancy.  I really hope he is right.

Moving on.......

I have been terrible about getting ready for Halloween this year.  As you know things have been a little crazy and for some reason decorating for the holiday has been the last thing on my mind.  Kaiden came home from school on Tuesday and wanted to decorate so I told him that he could and that made all of the kids happy.  I have also been slacking off with getting pumpkins to carve so on Halloween day I stopped by the grocery store and bought, basically, the last 3 pumpkins they had.  I also bought some stickers because I was really not up for the mess and hassle of carving them (I'm a little exhausted as you can tell).  I did go and help out in Keira's class' Halloween party.  It was very short but the kids had a blast.  Then they did the school Halloween parade.  Keira took Kelsey with her and Kelsey was happy as could be about that idea.  I tried to get a picture but this is all that I got.

You can see the excitement in both of their faces.
I decided that I needed to be better about making the holiday fun so I planned to do a fun Halloween dinner. So when the kids got home I put in a Halloween movie (because movies make them happy) and then after the movie we decorated pumpkins.

Kaiden didn't want to ruin a shirt while painting so he decided to go shirtless.  Check out those big muscles!

Keira took her pumpkin decorating very seriously!

Kelsey thought that the black was Kweepy!

Here is the final result.  They were all super excited about them and I was happy because the mess was easy to clean up.

Kelsey's

Keira's

Kaiden's

 After cleaning up the pumpkin mess I sent the kids to play in their rooms while I got dinner ready.  I don't think they had a clue why but this is what I came up with.

Olives, dijon mustard & ketchup

Lil' smokies

Corndogs with chow mien noodles

Chicken fingers and yummy punch!

Gummy worms in ice

Jello in straws

Their fuzzy reaction.  Not so sure what to think.

Eric was working in Pinedale and didn't get home until really late so he missed out on all of the family stuff but I think I passed the fun test and the kids loved everything about it.

Then we got dressed up and drove around town and went trick or treating.

Harry Potter, Super Girl & Cat Woman

 All in all it turned out to be a really fun day.  But, to be honest I am ready for a slow and relaxing weekend.  I feel like I've been hit by a train.  Yay, for weekends!!!

Blessings From Above!

****If you have not read the last post, click here to go back and read it,  This post will make a lot more sense (If that is even possible)****

So after our horrible week we had last week a new week has started and the experience is working out to be better that we could have hoped.  But let me back up just a bit.

Last Thursday was the worst day that I have ever had.  Like I said before I went through the day in a haze.  It just slowly passed by.  Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday were a lot better.  I was feeling good.  I could feel the thoughts and prayers of all of our friends and family.  I knew that the Lord was definitely helping me through this really, really hard time.  But also in the back of my mind I had this nagging feeling that wouldn't leave me alone.  In fact is was literally keeping me awake at night.  That being said, let me back up a little bit more.

Throughout 90% of this pregnancy (only because the first few weeks before I found out I was pregnant would be the other 10%)  I have had this really strange feeling in the back of my mind that I was having twins.  I joked about it a couple of times to some people, but it was a feeling that never really went away.  I was actually really excited/nervous about the idea.  I would love to have twins but I didn't know how my heart would handle it.  Throughout the miscarriage and the day of, I really didn't even think about it.  I was in such a sad and lonely place that i guess the thought never crossed my mind. But then Friday came.  Which brings me back to where I was before.

This thought about being pregnant with twins would not leave me alone.  I was seriously thinking that I was crazy.  I had had TWO ultrasounds and neither of them showed 2 babies.  I even asked the tech at the one last week to make sure that there weren't 2 babies.  She said that she could only see one.  I couldn't be pregnant with 2.....right?  I fought with myself for those 4 days.  One thing that added to the situation was that I was still feeling pregnant.  Not just pregnancy symptoms but literally FEELING pregnant.  It was like I knew that I was still pregnant.  Again I was fighting with myself.  I knew that I had just had a miscarriage and maybe I was playing mind games with myself and fighting to hang on to something that was not there.  I was scared to tell Eric because I didn't know how he would react to what I was thinking.

Monday night I was awake all night long.  I was feeling on the verge of going crazy.  I prayed to my Heavenly Father knowing that he knew me and my situation and asking for his help in helping me get over this problem that I was having.  During my prayer I just kept thinking that I need to just go in and tell the Dr. how I was feeling and ask if I could get another ultrasound.  The thought scared me to death.  I could just see the look on my Dr.'s face and knew that he would think that I was seriously crazy.  Later I got online and Googled a bunch of different information on twins and miscarriage.  I found out that there were a lot of other people that had gone through the same experience.  Some ending in finding out that they really were pregnant with twins and miscarried one and most ending with finding out that they were definitely not pregnant.  I felt even more confused.  But I decided that after I picked Kelsey and her friend up at school the next day I would go to the Dr.  I felt like, at least, if I got an ultrasound that showed nothing then my mind would quit fighting with me.

Tuesday I went into the Dr.'s office and told the Medical Assistant that I wanted an ultrasound.  I felt like such a fool!!  She was very nice and understanding but I still felt so dumb.  She told me that she would talk to the Dr. and see if he would sign for an ultrasound.  She came back and said "He said if it would make you feel better than he would sign for one".  Great!!  At 12:30 I headed to my appointment.  The entire way there I kept telling myself to expect nothing, to just expect the tech to say 'Nope, nothing there, it looks like everything passed with the baby'.  Walking in my stomach was seriously in my throat. She looked at me and said something about just recently doing an U/S (ultrasound) on me.  I told her that I had miscarried but was still feeling pregnant so I just wanted to check.  She looked at me a little leery but took me into the U/S room. As soon as she put the little thingy (can't think what it would be called, a wand maybe?) on my stomach this is what I saw

my heart was jumping out of my chest and I started to cry.  I think I scared the poor tech because immediately she started shaking.  "Oh my gosh!!" I said "Is it ok?"  But we didn't need to even check for a heartbeat because the baby started moving around like crazy and at one point even bounced almost to the top of the sack.  I was a blubbering mess!  I was crying so hard that the tech couldn't get a good picture and she told me that she would give me a minute while she went and got the last U/S results that she did.

I couldn't believe it.  Was it even possible?  She came back in and finished the U/S.  The heart rate was 163 and everything looked really good then she gave me my pictures and told me that I needed to call my Dr.  As soon as I left the hospital I was on the phone with my Dr.'s office.  I told the MA (the one that I had talked to earlier that day) that I was still pregnant.  She couldn't believe it and told me that she would talk to my Dr. and he would give me a call right back.  I called Eric as soon as I hung up with her and through tears told him.  I was in such a state of shock that I don't even really remember what I said other than I was still pregnant.  He was in a meeting with a contractor and so he said that he would call me back as soon as he could.  I immediately called my mom and told her and we both cried.

My Dr. called when I was halfway home.  He couldn't believe it either.  In fact he told me that he didn't believe that I had miscarried.  It must have just been a clot that passed or something.  I told him that I disagreed and knew that I had miscarried.  He then asked if I still had the fetus that I passed.  I told him that we had buried it in our yard.  He asked me to bring it in ASAP.  As hard as it was to do, I ran home and dug up the little container and took it straight to the office.   My heart was breaking to think that I may not get that little guy back.  But it was what I had to do.  When I dropped it off my Dr. told me that because it had been 6 days, any results may come back inconclusive but they needed to see if they could find out anything about why I miscarried.  He told me that what had happened was so rare that he never expected it.  Then he tried to explain what he could to me but let me know that he was going to have to talk to a specialist and call me back.

Apparently, I had been pregnant with twins and only one had shown up on both U/S.

7 weeks ( can only see one)

10 weeks (day that I miscarried)  (possibly something in the background??)

This is the one of the still living twin.  Can you believe the difference between this one and the one last week?  They don't even look like the same baby.

  Usually, if one of the twins miscarries it does not pass.  It will usually die and then be reabsorbed by your body (gross hu).  But somehow I passed the one that died and the other one is continuing to grow.  Which could only mean that they would have been fraternal twins.   My Dr. called back not long after and said that he had spoke with a specialist and as long as I am feeling fine then we will just continue on as normal.  No bed rest or anything as of now.  Although he did say that my chances of miscarrying this baby is a lot higher now.  Which is really scary but at the same time we are so in awe of what is happening that we can only hope and pray for the best and take it one day at a time.

We have witnessed a miracle in our home and I know that we are truly blessed.  But as excited as I am that we are having this baby it is such a bitter/sweet feeling.  I am still so very sad that we lost the other one.  It breaks my heart that we already have an angel in heaven.  I know that this is what Heavenly Fathers plan is and I know it is for the best and I have to trust in that plan.  I know that our twins will be together again in heaven someday.  We can just only hope that it is a lifetime away and not too soon.

I will update more of what I find out from the Dr., on the tests that they are doing on the one that died, as soon as i find anything out.  Check back for more updates and hopefully this roller coaster ride that we have been on will calm down a little bit and we can all start to breath again around here.

The moment that changed our lives forever

***WARNING*** Some of this may not be pretty but, I have put all of my thoughts and feeling out here on my blog for myself (and you).  I feel that if I get it all out there and tell my story (while it is still fresh in my mind) then I will be able to move on.  As hard as that is going to be*****


It started like any other day.  Up early to get Kaiden & Keira off to school.  I hurried to shower so that I could be outside in the shop helping Eric with a couple of proposals and invoices he needed to get done.  I had gone to the Dr. the day before and found out that I had a bladder infection and so I was feeling a little bit of the effects of that but for the most part I was feeling great.  My Dr. had sent me with a prescription antibiotic but I hate taking medicine when I'm pregnant so I decided to just drink a TON of water and see if that helped, which it did.  At 9:00 I took Kelsey up to my sister-in-law Rachel's so that I could drive to Jackson for my "high-risk" (because I have heart problems) OB appointment.

I headed up to Jackson, driving through the snake river canyon, and remembering when I was pregnant with Kaiden and working in Jackson.  I was remembering the ride with Eric every morning and evening and missing that quality one on one time we had together during those times.  I arrived in Jackson about 15 min before my 10:30 appointment sitting in the waiting room so excited that I was going to be able to see my baby again today.  I was feeling so blessed that, because I am "high-risk", I get to have quite a few ultrasounds which most people don't get through their pregnancies.

They finally called me in and the nurse took me straight to the ultrasound room.  And in no time at all right their on that TV screen was my beautiful little baby.  The nurse said "It looks like it's right on target about 10 weeks 3 days and here is the heartbeat"  the sound came over the speakers and I swear that my heart was beating just as fast as it was. "162 beats per minute that's perfect" the nurse said.  I had to agree 100% it was perfect, my baby was perfect.  For some reason at that moment this pregnancy felt real.

I'm not sure why it felt so real then and not before.  I had had another ultrasound at 7 weeks

and I had seen and heard the heartbeat, plus,  I had decided that I wanted to take monthly pictures in the same shirt so that I could document my growth along the way

3-4 weeks.  I had just found out I was pregnant!

8 weeks pregnant!

 but for some reason I felt like I was just in a dream.  I had told some people and then told the kids at about that same time (see it here) but it wasn't until I was laying on that bed looking up at that beautiful little one that it was very real.

I walked out of the Dr.'s appointment feeling like I was walking on a cloud. I was so happy.  In May we were going to be having a baby.  I was trying to picture what it was, was it a boy or girl, would it look like Kaiden or Kelsey or neither, would it have blue eyes like daddy or brown like mine, would it be spoiled rotten because it would be 5 1/2 years younger than Kelsey and would definitely be our last, or would it hate being so much younger than the others?  So many questions, so much excitement.

After my appointment I sent a couple pictures of the baby to my family and I went to Kmart and bought some newborn boy and newborn girl cozy pajamas and couldn't wait to snuggle with whichever it was.

I headed back home and stopped at an appointment I had with a councilor to talk about some issues that we have been having with one of our children (nothing major but just some concerns we have been worried about) and then picked Kelsey up from Rachel's and then went home.  I was in a cleaning mood and had big plans to clean the car, the main part of my house which is under construction (more to come on that), and my bedroom.  I made it as far as cleaning my car and then was too exhausted to do much else.  I planned to do the others the next day.  I was still feeling really good and was excited to tell Eric all about our baby.

Kaiden and Eric worked on the plow that Eric bought and then after the kids were in bed Eric and I sat and watched TV.  I posted this on Instagram and joked about how our baby looked just like a Bearstain Bear.

Normaly around 10 we turn the TV off and go to bed but for some reason we stayed up late and didn't go to bed until 12.  I was not even tired I am guessing it's because I was so full of excitement.  I lay in bed as Eric fell asleep (very fast as usual) and said to him just before he was out "I really have a baby growing inside me" "mmhhm" he said.  I smiled and lay there thinking about the sweet little one.

About 10 minutes later I felt like I had pee'ed, a lot.  I jumped out of bed and ran into our bathroom.  When I saw all of the blood I knew what was happening.  I stared to cry and called to Eric a couple of times.  As soon as I sat down on the toilet everything came out.  I felt the baby pass and then everything else.  Eric came a minute later, not because he heard me call him but because he heard me crying.   The rest is kind of a blur.   I remember crying a lot, asking why, knowing that there was nothing I could do, realizing that all of my hopes and dreams that I had been having were now gone, wishing that I at least knew if it was a boy or a girl instead of an it, and wishing that none of this was happening.  Eric, was so good.  He kept telling me how sorry he was and asking me what I wanted him to do, if it was just the bladder infection, if I needed to go to the ER.  It was the worst experience of our lives.  Eric was so good.  He was giving me words of encouragement, telling me it was all going to be ok, helping me to cope with what was happening.  I know that I couldn't have done it without him there.  If it would have happened at any other time, either when I was home with the kids alone or at my sisters (which I had been the weekend before) I don't think I could have made it through.

We were able to get the baby and I cried while holding it for the first and last time and then put it in a little container.  Eric called the hospital and asked if he needed to bring me up.  The Dr. told him it was my choice but, I really didn't see the need to go.  It wouldn't have changed anything and they wouldn't be able to make it better.  We stayed home and Eric asked if he could give me a blessing.  I was so grateful at that moment for a husband who is a worthy priesthood holder and willing to give me a blessing when I didn't even have to ask.  He dressed in his church clothes and gave me a beautiful blessing.  I don't remember a whole lot other than feeling so loved and calm, knowing that it was all going to work out and knowing that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and that he loved me and was proud of me.  During the blessing Eric started calling the baby a he.  It was after the blessing that he told me that he felt like the baby was a boy and I knew that it was true.

I showered and then at about 2:00 we both went to bed.  It was then that the cramps started and I cried myself to sleep while Eric held me.  It was such a bitter/sweet moment that I will never forget.  

The next morning I woke up and got the kids off to school in a daze.  After Kelsey headed to preschool I called my mom to tell her and we cried together.  Being the amazing person she is, she showed up at my house about 45 min later after having got someone to cover for her at work.  We talked for a little bit and then she helped me clean my house which I was extremely grateful for.  It was very much need and it also helped me get my mind off of everything else.  She left a little while later and I tried to sleep which didn't work. I had called the Dr. to let him know what happened and he called me later.  There wasn't much to say other than this kind of thing happens and that he assumed that the baby may have had heart problems which is why it happened so fast.  But he of course was just guessing because there was no way to know.

The day passed slowly with beautiful flowers being delivered from my sister and then my mother-in-law stopped by with some more beautiful flowers.

Flowers from my mother-in-law, sister & beautiful plant from my dear friend

I was dreading knowing that we were going to tell the kids that night and I knew that it would be hard and I not be able to do it.  When the time came Eric took over and did an amazing job.  He talked about how our purpose in life is to come here to earth and get bodies and be tested but that some blessed ones don't need to be tested.  That they just come to get a body. Then he talked about babies and miscarriages the kids were very interested in everything he was talking about.  They were full of thoughts and information.  Then he talked to them about when someone dies before 8 years old they are go straight back to heaven and are perfect, they made no mistakes, and are guaranteed the Celestial kingdom.  After that Eric told them what happened.  It was so sad, I don't know how he did it.  It was done with tears and heartbreak but it was perfect.  I could never have done what he did and in the way that he did it.  Once again I was so grateful for such a good man in my life.  

That night after the kids were in bed Eric and I went out and buried our little guy in our yard.  It was another one of those moments that changed my life forever.  My heart was broken, we went to bed, and once again cried myself to sleep in my husbands arms.

Today has been much better.  I am feeling good considering, and I have had a couple more friends stop by and that helps so much knowing that they really do care.

I know that in this life we have trials that we have to go through,  I know that we are tested, I know that without those tests and trials we cannot grow and I know that this is one of those that have helped me grow. I know that if it wasn't for the best that this would have never happened.  I know that my Heavenly Father knows what is best and that it was best for our baby to not survive this pregnancy. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier.  It does not change the fact that I still wish more than anything that I could see him, that I could have heard his first cries, that I could snuggle him and kiss his cute little hands and feet.  It doesn't change the fact that I will always wish he was here.  That we could watch him grow and see the great kid that he was going to be (because he would have been, I'm sure of it ).  This is by far the hardest thing that we have ever had to go through.  And I am so grateful for all of the love and support that we have received already.  It has only been one day and I am feeling much better because of that support.  I am grateful for the family and friends that I have who have offered understanding and encouragement.  I feel so blessed that I was able to see him on the ultrasound (he was moving a little bit) and hear his little heartbeats the same day that he died.  I feel that it is another way my Heavenly Father was showing his love for me.  We only had this little guy for 10 weeks but we will love him forever.  We have a sweet little angel waiting for us in heaven and I can only pray that I will be worthy to get the opportunity to be his mom and be with him.  And to my sweet baby I say
I may have only carried for you for a short time, but you will forever live on in my heart and one day we will finally meet in Heaven.

Getting Firewood

This spring we put in a wood burning fireplace and we are so excited about that!  Since we put it in in the spring we haven't had many chances to use it.  But we sure have been using it the last few nights and loving it even more than we thought.  Part of having a wood fireplace is cutting down trees for wood and we have had a lot of fun doing that too.

The trees right now are so beautiful

It's a lot of work but, man, we are sure grateful for all of that wood when it gets cold outside.!!

Back to School

The kids headed back to school last month and they are loving it. Here are a few pictures from the first day.

5th Grade

3rd Grade

Preschool

Surprise!!

Summer Recap

Wow it's been a crazy and great summer.  I am seriously so sad to see it go.  We made so many memories and had so much family time.  And to me that is what it is all about.  Here is our summer recap in pictures. (In no particular order)

I ran in the dirty dash and had a blast!!!

My kiddos.  I'm one proud mama!!  :)

The first of many Lake Powell pictures

The final Lake Powell picture.  We were all so sad to leave!!

I ran in my first 5K.  

Toilet papered my aunts house!!

Tami's little man (isn't he so cute!)

Visited an aquarium

Spent a week at my grandparents house.  Loved every minute of it.  But missed my hubby terribly!

Kaiden's hat he made at the fair.  Impressive!

Swimming lessons!

Visited Temple square.  My kids love when we get to do this!

Keira got baptized.

Lots of campfires!

Razer rides!!

Keira took horse riding lessons this summer. 

Fun times at Bear Lake.

Aww!!

Memorial Weekend

Lava Hot Springs pools

 Wow, what an amazing summer.  Now we are getting geared up for fall/winter.  More pics coming soon.