The moment that changed our lives forever

***WARNING*** Some of this may not be pretty but, I have put all of my thoughts and feeling out here on my blog for myself (and you).  I feel that if I get it all out there and tell my story (while it is still fresh in my mind) then I will be able to move on.  As hard as that is going to be*****


It started like any other day.  Up early to get Kaiden & Keira off to school.  I hurried to shower so that I could be outside in the shop helping Eric with a couple of proposals and invoices he needed to get done.  I had gone to the Dr. the day before and found out that I had a bladder infection and so I was feeling a little bit of the effects of that but for the most part I was feeling great.  My Dr. had sent me with a prescription antibiotic but I hate taking medicine when I'm pregnant so I decided to just drink a TON of water and see if that helped, which it did.  At 9:00 I took Kelsey up to my sister-in-law Rachel's so that I could drive to Jackson for my "high-risk" (because I have heart problems) OB appointment.

I headed up to Jackson, driving through the snake river canyon, and remembering when I was pregnant with Kaiden and working in Jackson.  I was remembering the ride with Eric every morning and evening and missing that quality one on one time we had together during those times.  I arrived in Jackson about 15 min before my 10:30 appointment sitting in the waiting room so excited that I was going to be able to see my baby again today.  I was feeling so blessed that, because I am "high-risk", I get to have quite a few ultrasounds which most people don't get through their pregnancies.

They finally called me in and the nurse took me straight to the ultrasound room.  And in no time at all right their on that TV screen was my beautiful little baby.  The nurse said "It looks like it's right on target about 10 weeks 3 days and here is the heartbeat"  the sound came over the speakers and I swear that my heart was beating just as fast as it was. "162 beats per minute that's perfect" the nurse said.  I had to agree 100% it was perfect, my baby was perfect.  For some reason at that moment this pregnancy felt real.

I'm not sure why it felt so real then and not before.  I had had another ultrasound at 7 weeks

and I had seen and heard the heartbeat, plus,  I had decided that I wanted to take monthly pictures in the same shirt so that I could document my growth along the way

3-4 weeks.  I had just found out I was pregnant!

8 weeks pregnant!

 but for some reason I felt like I was just in a dream.  I had told some people and then told the kids at about that same time (see it here) but it wasn't until I was laying on that bed looking up at that beautiful little one that it was very real.

I walked out of the Dr.'s appointment feeling like I was walking on a cloud. I was so happy.  In May we were going to be having a baby.  I was trying to picture what it was, was it a boy or girl, would it look like Kaiden or Kelsey or neither, would it have blue eyes like daddy or brown like mine, would it be spoiled rotten because it would be 5 1/2 years younger than Kelsey and would definitely be our last, or would it hate being so much younger than the others?  So many questions, so much excitement.

After my appointment I sent a couple pictures of the baby to my family and I went to Kmart and bought some newborn boy and newborn girl cozy pajamas and couldn't wait to snuggle with whichever it was.

I headed back home and stopped at an appointment I had with a councilor to talk about some issues that we have been having with one of our children (nothing major but just some concerns we have been worried about) and then picked Kelsey up from Rachel's and then went home.  I was in a cleaning mood and had big plans to clean the car, the main part of my house which is under construction (more to come on that), and my bedroom.  I made it as far as cleaning my car and then was too exhausted to do much else.  I planned to do the others the next day.  I was still feeling really good and was excited to tell Eric all about our baby.

Kaiden and Eric worked on the plow that Eric bought and then after the kids were in bed Eric and I sat and watched TV.  I posted this on Instagram and joked about how our baby looked just like a Bearstain Bear.

Normaly around 10 we turn the TV off and go to bed but for some reason we stayed up late and didn't go to bed until 12.  I was not even tired I am guessing it's because I was so full of excitement.  I lay in bed as Eric fell asleep (very fast as usual) and said to him just before he was out "I really have a baby growing inside me" "mmhhm" he said.  I smiled and lay there thinking about the sweet little one.

About 10 minutes later I felt like I had pee'ed, a lot.  I jumped out of bed and ran into our bathroom.  When I saw all of the blood I knew what was happening.  I stared to cry and called to Eric a couple of times.  As soon as I sat down on the toilet everything came out.  I felt the baby pass and then everything else.  Eric came a minute later, not because he heard me call him but because he heard me crying.   The rest is kind of a blur.   I remember crying a lot, asking why, knowing that there was nothing I could do, realizing that all of my hopes and dreams that I had been having were now gone, wishing that I at least knew if it was a boy or a girl instead of an it, and wishing that none of this was happening.  Eric, was so good.  He kept telling me how sorry he was and asking me what I wanted him to do, if it was just the bladder infection, if I needed to go to the ER.  It was the worst experience of our lives.  Eric was so good.  He was giving me words of encouragement, telling me it was all going to be ok, helping me to cope with what was happening.  I know that I couldn't have done it without him there.  If it would have happened at any other time, either when I was home with the kids alone or at my sisters (which I had been the weekend before) I don't think I could have made it through.

We were able to get the baby and I cried while holding it for the first and last time and then put it in a little container.  Eric called the hospital and asked if he needed to bring me up.  The Dr. told him it was my choice but, I really didn't see the need to go.  It wouldn't have changed anything and they wouldn't be able to make it better.  We stayed home and Eric asked if he could give me a blessing.  I was so grateful at that moment for a husband who is a worthy priesthood holder and willing to give me a blessing when I didn't even have to ask.  He dressed in his church clothes and gave me a beautiful blessing.  I don't remember a whole lot other than feeling so loved and calm, knowing that it was all going to work out and knowing that my Heavenly Father was aware of me and that he loved me and was proud of me.  During the blessing Eric started calling the baby a he.  It was after the blessing that he told me that he felt like the baby was a boy and I knew that it was true.

I showered and then at about 2:00 we both went to bed.  It was then that the cramps started and I cried myself to sleep while Eric held me.  It was such a bitter/sweet moment that I will never forget.  

The next morning I woke up and got the kids off to school in a daze.  After Kelsey headed to preschool I called my mom to tell her and we cried together.  Being the amazing person she is, she showed up at my house about 45 min later after having got someone to cover for her at work.  We talked for a little bit and then she helped me clean my house which I was extremely grateful for.  It was very much need and it also helped me get my mind off of everything else.  She left a little while later and I tried to sleep which didn't work. I had called the Dr. to let him know what happened and he called me later.  There wasn't much to say other than this kind of thing happens and that he assumed that the baby may have had heart problems which is why it happened so fast.  But he of course was just guessing because there was no way to know.

The day passed slowly with beautiful flowers being delivered from my sister and then my mother-in-law stopped by with some more beautiful flowers.

Flowers from my mother-in-law, sister & beautiful plant from my dear friend

I was dreading knowing that we were going to tell the kids that night and I knew that it would be hard and I not be able to do it.  When the time came Eric took over and did an amazing job.  He talked about how our purpose in life is to come here to earth and get bodies and be tested but that some blessed ones don't need to be tested.  That they just come to get a body. Then he talked about babies and miscarriages the kids were very interested in everything he was talking about.  They were full of thoughts and information.  Then he talked to them about when someone dies before 8 years old they are go straight back to heaven and are perfect, they made no mistakes, and are guaranteed the Celestial kingdom.  After that Eric told them what happened.  It was so sad, I don't know how he did it.  It was done with tears and heartbreak but it was perfect.  I could never have done what he did and in the way that he did it.  Once again I was so grateful for such a good man in my life.  

That night after the kids were in bed Eric and I went out and buried our little guy in our yard.  It was another one of those moments that changed my life forever.  My heart was broken, we went to bed, and once again cried myself to sleep in my husbands arms.

Today has been much better.  I am feeling good considering, and I have had a couple more friends stop by and that helps so much knowing that they really do care.

I know that in this life we have trials that we have to go through,  I know that we are tested, I know that without those tests and trials we cannot grow and I know that this is one of those that have helped me grow. I know that if it wasn't for the best that this would have never happened.  I know that my Heavenly Father knows what is best and that it was best for our baby to not survive this pregnancy. That being said, it doesn't make it any easier.  It does not change the fact that I still wish more than anything that I could see him, that I could have heard his first cries, that I could snuggle him and kiss his cute little hands and feet.  It doesn't change the fact that I will always wish he was here.  That we could watch him grow and see the great kid that he was going to be (because he would have been, I'm sure of it ).  This is by far the hardest thing that we have ever had to go through.  And I am so grateful for all of the love and support that we have received already.  It has only been one day and I am feeling much better because of that support.  I am grateful for the family and friends that I have who have offered understanding and encouragement.  I feel so blessed that I was able to see him on the ultrasound (he was moving a little bit) and hear his little heartbeats the same day that he died.  I feel that it is another way my Heavenly Father was showing his love for me.  We only had this little guy for 10 weeks but we will love him forever.  We have a sweet little angel waiting for us in heaven and I can only pray that I will be worthy to get the opportunity to be his mom and be with him.  And to my sweet baby I say
I may have only carried for you for a short time, but you will forever live on in my heart and one day we will finally meet in Heaven.